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Reasonably Amazing Adventures of Flash Gordon Ep 7
By Tom Konkle
Narrator - Kurtis
Flash - Tom
Azura and Dale : Stephanie
Old Soldier - Kurtis B
Hawkman - Tom
Marr - Dave B
Dr. Zarkov -David B
Thune - Gino
Saul - Pete L
Guard: - Pete
Dramatic music and under.
Narrator: The listeners who were listening to our previous adventures of Flash Gordon will remember the adventures that Flash Gordon had previously. For the rest of you, let me refresh your memory. In our previous adventures, Flash Gordon reviewed the legions of the blue magic men under his command and Doctor Prince Zarkov blasted the rock which sealed the entrance to the blue magic land and discovered that his ears were of no use in learning what happened to Flash and Dale and Thune. He sent a spy named Marr equipped with a portable space phone and one space charging cable to obtain the information. Marr gained entrance to the palace of Queen Azura and contacted Thune and Dale. They informed him of Flash's peculiar behavior.
At the same time, Zarkov tried to call Marr, the spy, via the space phone, but neither was able to
get a signal as Mongo Wi-Fi is spotty at best. At that moment, the army of blue magic men
attacked the Hawkmen and Zarkov ordered his soldiers into battle. These thrilling adventures
come to you as they are pictured each Sunday in the comic weekly, the world's greatest pictorial
supplement of humor and adventure. The big comic weekly, each page printed in full big colors,
is distributed everywhere as an integral part of your Hearst Sunday newspaper. And now we
continue the story. Flash and Queen Azura watch the Hawkmen as they dive toward the army of
the blue magic men.
SFX Alien outdoor atmosphere.
Azura: Here! Here come the Hawkmen, my Prince.
Flash: I see them, Azura. I'm just wondering which battery I should train on them.
Azura: We used all the batteries last night, remember? I suggest you use the guns of the
combustion ray machine, my dear. It's particularly flashy.
Flash: What will happen if I do?
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Azura: Hehehe. Order them to be used,and see.
Flash: Very well. Old men! Bring the combustion rayguns into action!
Old Soldier: (at a slight distance, old Lou Costello) The rayguns aren't quite ready actually, sir.
Flash: Ready?
Old Soldier: No..
Flash: Are they ready...now?
Old Soldier: It's a warranty issue really. We are on hold with tech services.
Flash: Can’t we just skip to the part where they’re ready?
Old Soldier: Wait....rrrrr (sounds like about to say ready) rrreally not ready.
Flash: Then get ready and fire!
Old Soldier: Hold on...utterly unprepared here.
Flash: Come on guys! Ready?!?
Old Soldier: And then we're firing, right?
Flash: Yes! Ready?
Old Soldier: Not in the slightest. And as for firing...
Flash: Are we ready for that?
Old Soldier: Oh, we might be, but I'd hate to rush into things unprepared.
Flash: You know what you’re doing?
Old Soldier: Ready and fire, correct?
Flash: Yes, ready?!
Old Soldier: And fire?
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Flash: And fire.
Old Soldier: Oh, fire? Now, that's a different button. But, we're not quite there yet. Ready?
Flash: Yes, you may fire.
Silence
Flash: Hello? What's happening now?
Old Soldier: Good news! We can fire now!
Flash: Finally! Fire!
Old Soldier: But just to clarify, it's aimed at
Flash: Fire!
SFX: Raygun blast. Close explosions around Flash who SCREAMS.
Flash: By the moons of Mongo! What are you doing, men??!!
Azura: Now you see, my Prince, what the combustion ray machines do. Flash: Yes, a little too
close, Azura.
Azura: They belch out, flaming death. Yes, those Hawkmen cluttering my view can't survive this
devastating heat. Look, look, they are already dropping to the ground like birds with damaged
wings that have also been shot.
Flash: All right, my Queen. Oh, Saul?
Saul: Yes?
Flash: Let them have it, again. Fire!
Saul: Fire!
SFX rayguns and explosions
Saul: Enemies are dropping like startled sparrows, sire. Swiftly succumbing to scorching shots,
spiraling sorrowfully, sinking sadly to the solid surface, silenced by searing strikes.
Azura: Splendid shooting, my Prince.
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Flash: If alliteration was a weapon those Hawkmen creatures would be easily subdued, Azura.
Azura: Be careful you don't kill them all, Flash. Remember, I'm always able to use a few more
for my <flashy> “Theatre Extravaganza!!!”
Flash: Ah yes. Those disturbing plays you put on for me. Listen, I don't think you really need to
use these Hawkmen in another revival of “Moose Murders.”
Azura: <indignant> They are not mere “plays!” …they are “THEATRE,”
Flash: My beautiful Azura, I can conquer these gnat-like intruders and turn them over to you to
do with as you wish…but please…no more <mimics her> “THEATRE.”
Azura: How brave and strong you are, my Prince.
Flash: It's not about love or bravery, Azura. It's about my undying devotion.
(romantic music swells)
Azura: Ah, you do love me then.
Flash :You do not already realize that, my gorgeous Queen. You will when this battle is ended.
Eh. We'll see.
Flash (projected) Death to the invaders. Fire again!
SFX ray guns
Saul: Fine. Fire again. Fire again.
[Dramatic music swells as scene shifts]
Narrator: In the meantime, on the other side of the flaming barrage, Zarkov holds an anxious
conference with one of the officers of the remaining Hawkmen.
Zarkov: Signal your men to retreat, Captain. There is nothing to be gained by flying into their
fire.
Hawkman (Ricky Gervaise as a Hawkman) : Very well, Prince Zarkov. Fugler? Sound
retreat. (as fugue starts) What are we to do now, Prince Zarkov?
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Zarkov: First off, hire an actual bugler, after that, I do not know yet. What can have happened
to Flash? We tried to rescue him and he seemed to give the orders that shot our men down.
Why would he do that?!
Hawkman: Yes, I could swear I saw him raise a part of his body I won’t mention and give the
signal that brought this sea of flame pouring on us, Prince Zarkov.
Zarkov: Can he be? Oh, no. Impossible. Btw, can you please tell them to stop singing?
Hawkman: Can he be what, your highness? And yes, I can. Fugelers, STOP!
Zarkov: I dare not even utter the thought, Captain. Not until I am certain. … and thank you.
Hawkman: If I may suggest, doctor, something must be done about our own safety. These
flames are sweeping this way. Soon, they'll engulf all of us. … don’t mention it.
Zarkov: Eh? The flames? Oh yes. The flames. Oh, yes. Lead the men into that tunnel,
Hawkman.
Hawkman: That tunnel? But Doctor Zarkov, there's no place in which to throw a barricade to
keep out the flames.
Zarkov: Leave that to me.
Hawkman. How do we seal it?
Zarkov: With science! Order those turbine thermostats. Roll them just inside the tunnel
entrance.
SFX equipment rolls.
(Music crescendos)
Hawkman: But...uh… But, they will not completely close the opening, doctor. Oh, if we only
had some stone. Or… a plan.
Zarkov: What? Stones to let them become heated and roast us all? No. Do as I say. I will keep
the heat out. You will never feel those flames. I have a way to fight them until they die out.
Hawkman: Yes, Your Highness. Doctor, what if the turbines don't hold? What if your chemical
concoction doesn't work?"
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Zarkov: Are you so stupid that I must make a blueprint of my plan of defense?
Hawkman: Wait. Where is this coming from?
Zarkov: Hurry fool!
Hawkman: Good lord. Why are you being so hostile?
Zarkov: Oh, very well then...if I must give you every detail. Into those turbine thermostats, I will
put this chemical powder made from a secret formula of my own invention. I literally just thought
of it now. When we are all inside, I shall turn on the turbine thermostats and block the tunnel
entrance with a wall of solid…wait for it…..waaaiitttt for it……waaaaiiiittttt fooorrr it. <pause>
ice.
Music dramatic bridge
Narrator: While the battle rages, let us go back to the palace of Azura. There, we find Dale and
Thune and the space spy, Marr.
Thune: Find him again, Marr.
Marr: (shouting) Calling Prince Zarkov!! Captain Marr calling Prince Zarkov!! Captain Marr
calling Prince Zarkov!
Thune: How does that work?
Marr: What do you mean?
Dale: You’re just standing here cupping your hand by your mouth and shouting.
Marr: You never know. He could hear me. (shouts) Calling Prince Zarkov!! Captain Mar calling
Prince Zarkov.!!! Calling-
Dale: Ugh! Thune, Mar, look out. The guard.
Thune: Stop shouting, Mar.
Dale: Here comes the guard.
Marr: (shouting) Guard? What shall we do to hide?!
Thune: Pull your cloak over your head, so your cloak hides it. Play up to whatever I say.
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Dale: Flash's life depends on it, Mar.
Marr: All right, I will play along.
SFX Walking up.
Guard (brusk deeper voice, manly blue collar could even be Irish): What's going on here?
Thune: Why nothing guard. This traveler is simply spinning around rapidly in place, trying to
pour this glass of very hot water see?
There is a short pause and then Marr makes RUSTLING sounds. SPLASH. Mar
SCREAMS in pain.
Guard: Oh, you expect me to believe he was just spinning around fast, then pouring that glass
eh? That doesn't seem like a reason to be screaming like he was.
Thune: Oh it doesn't, does it constable?
Guard: No!
Thune: Well, that is because you missed the part where he ran over these marbles and bananas
to get the boiling water from over there by that cactus-like bush
SFX MUFFLED PROTEST FROM MARR.
Guard: He ran over there did he? How?
Thune: Like this!
SFX: MARBLES ROLL ON FLOOR and SPLAT of banana peel.
Thune: Traveler! Show this observant guard how you ran across the marbles and bananas now!
Marr GRUNTS pathetically.
Guard: Yes. Let's see it.
Mar runs and slips and FALLS on them, YELPING over and over.
Guard: All right. So, he fell a few times... that still doesn't…
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Thune: And his cries of pain ensued, then he put on this magic cactus suit while untangling from
the sharp spikes of the cactus-like bush yonder. Here traveler, put on the cactus suit again
MAR painfully protests.
Thune: ..no take it...put it on for this unbelieving enforcement officer...yes that's it...it is a magic
suit that dances on its own.
Beat
Thune: Come on traveler...show how that heavy spiked suit forced you to kiss an inanimate
object passionately before breaking into wild dance moves, tangling you into a hilarious mess
with everything around you.
Mar yelps repeatedly. SFX ,breathing heavy, many struggling movements, tap dance and
breakdance sounds.
Guard: Hmm, that does look painful and embarrassing.
Thune: Regard his face as he dances.
SFX Cloth pulled off. MARR BREATHES HEAVILY.
Thune: The sweaty face of a humiliated man in pain. And at the time you heard his cries, it was
even worse. For he was also wearing this...can I have that Dale?
Dale: Thune, that's a rat.
Thune; He was wearing this...sentient wig on his head, officer.
Dale: That's a live, feral rat, Thune
Thune: This sentient wig that claws, bites and leaps from his head at the least opportune
moments, leading him on a frantic chase through various obstacles—over jagged barbed wire
fences, through Chinese wet markets, and maybe even atop this flaming unicycle. See?
Mar is PANTING and MOANING going through the motions SFX . Bicycle sounds. He
SCREAMS.
Thune: Here. Marr. Here. Relax now. No more proving to this fine guard you were innocently
being hurt and yelling. See, I’m now bringing the traveler over to this large window for some air.
It isn't everyone who can stand this intense pain, guard. Look at our traveler now. Soaked in
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blood. They all can't be as strong as we are.
Guard: That’s true. I didn't think he was screaming in pain, but maybe he was. I just thought I
heard a pre-nut sound and a voice calling out for Dr. Zarkov. A man wanted by Emperor Ming.
Dale: What’s a pre-nut sound?
Thune: No idea. But, ah yes. Yes. I'm afraid you did.
Dale: Oh, Thune!
Guard: What was the meaning of it!?
Thune: Ah, well our traveler here merely also caught a contagious yodel that echoes every time
he speaks, causing uproarious confusion in public gatherings. Let me open this window.
SFX Window opens:
Thune: Ah see Traveler! All the soldiers and dignitaries of Mongo are gathered below in the
courtyard as they were when this happened. Show the guard how your loud yodeling attempts
to communicate lead to musical mayhem, and the way your yodel causes a chain reaction of
singing animals, dancing furniture, and a choir of bewildered bystanders below..
Mar: Uhh. Thune...
Thune: Remember, you wanted to tell our armed guard here how it happened. So, show them
as Flash's life depends on it!
SFX: Yodeling and then dead silence. A few THROAT CLEARING SOUNDS.
Guard: Okay. I see now that he's a deeply troubled traveler. I am sure he appreciates all you're
doing to convince me of his innocence since he does not speak the language of Mongo.
Marr: Yes, I do.
Thune: Yes. Yes. He does.
Guard: Alright then, I need to get back on patrol.
Thune: Of course. Of course sir. Though I am sure he deeply regrets not confessing what he
was doing at exactly the moment you heard him.
Guard: Oh? Why? What was he doing?
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Thune: Why, he was telling us tales of his life as a misguided magician whose tricks comically
backfire on him resulting in injuries watch
Thune: Oww!.
Guard: Why did the traveler hit you?
Thune: He ummm...where he is from it’s a greeting.
Guard: Oh, in that case, hello weary traveler.
SFX PUNCH
Thune: Oh, Dale, take the guard over there and turn him with his back to me.
Dale: Yes, Thune. Yes, of course. Come over here...guard.
Guard: Okay. Bye weary traveler.
SFX PUNCH
Guard: No tricks now or you'll taste my electric whip.
Thune: Mar, say what you said earlier.
Mar: I'm not playing along on anything ever again.
Thune: (whispers) Captain Mar calling Prince Zarkov.!!!
Mar: Very well, Thune. Calling Prince Zarkov!! Captain M--
Thune STOMPS HIS FOOT and Mar SCREAMS..
Thune: Now then, guard, was that what you heard?
Guard: Ah. Yes, that was it. Watch out, slaves. You may accidentally get hurt and scream
before we can do it to you ourselves. (LAUGHS walking away, returns) Oh, I almost
forgot.
SFX PUNCH. Marr SCREAMS.
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Guard: I don’t want to seem rude, traveler.
MARR GROANS IN PAIN.
Thune: Thank you. Yes, of course.
Dale: Oh, that was quick thinking, Thune.
Mar: (moans) Thune. You
Dale: Well, Thune I thought you took an awful risk in lying to the guard like that, at first.
Mar: What about me? Going along with all that!
Thune: To deny the improv would have been foolhardy, Mar. If you're going to deceive
someone, it's all about the depth of character immersion.
Dale: Yes! And… I'll remember that.
Mar: The scars will remind me too.
Thune: But, there's one situation I can't handle so easily. The one we're in. Standing and just
yelling Zarkov's name isn't going to work to find him. How are we going to get word to Zarkov?
Mar: Actually, I've got that all taken care of, Captain Thune.
Thune: You have?
Dale: How will you do it? Why didn't you tell us this earlier?
Mar: I, myself, will take the information to him.
Dale: Oh my.
Thune: You’ll never get to Zarkov alive. They won't let you out.
Mar: OOOh yes they will. Who let me in here?
Dale: That would be Saul, the sorcerer in chief and Azura's mystical aide-de-camp.
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Thune: So, your grand plan is to have Saul just open the gates for you?
Dale: But Saul's not here. He's away with the army.
Mar: He is? Then, that makes things all the easier.
Dale: Be careful, Mar, these men are devils. They have powers and methods never seen before.
Marr: After what Thune just put me through, there is nothing more they can do to harm me.
Thune: Don’t mention it. Really.
SFX PUNCH
Mar: I hate you. <beat> Do not fear, Princess. Saul was the only one I spoke to about
getting in here. I saw to it that we had a private conference.
Thune: So?
Mar: So, nobody will doubt my word when I say that I was to join Saul outside after I rested.
Thune: It may work….if they are incredibly stupid.
Mar: Oh, it will. It must.
Dale: Mar?
Mar: Yes, princess?
Dale: See that no harm comes to Flash.
Thune: Just, Zarkov.
Mar: Zarkov? Why? I thought you liked him.
Thune: I do....I do.
Dale: Zarkov, may not understand what Flash actually does or how he is...normally.
Mar: I understand, Princess. I shall explain everything to Zarkov.
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Dale: And if you should be captured by the Blue Magic Man, find out what hold Azura the witch
queen has over Flash, and try to break the spell.
Mar: If that is to be my fate, Princess. You may rest assured. I will carry out your mission.
Thune: Great. Then I am done here. I am off to the restaurant, “Ming's Return” for some more
fine dining where Ming often takes a chair and joins the diners to outline in detail his latest
medical procedure. When are you planning on leaving, Mar?
Mar: Well, if I try to leave now, it might be very difficult. I shall wait and take my departure
tonight as armed guards are everywhere.
Thune: No, try to leave now. Come on. Play along.
SFX: SLAP
Thune: Okay, I totally deserved that. You got your blood on my mane.
Narrator: Leaving our friends for the moment, let us return to the tunnel where Prince Zarkov
and his Hawkmen have withdrawn to escape the terrific heat of the combustion ray machine.
As the Hawkmen flee into the tunnel, Flash and his officers pursue them, only to be stopped
short at the entrance by a wall of solid …wait for it…waaittt for it…waittttt foorrrrr it. <beat> ice,
which Zarkov has miraculously formed with his secret chemical formula. While Flash and his
companions organize outside the entrance to the tunnel, Saul and Azura remain behind the
lines.
Saul: Of course, your fleeting eminence knows best, but my advice for us-
Azura: I am not asking your advice, Saul.
Saul: Oh, that I am well aware, your meandering majesty. But, must I lose the privilege of an old
and fateful retainer? Distracted highness, do not let your personal feelings entrap you.
Azura: My personal feelings? What do you mean?
Saul: Your majesty has taken a fancy to this young unknown...
Azura: Oh please, Saul!
Saul: I mean no offense. Your tedious splendor is a consort and companion used to living
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without criticism. But, is he the best thing for our fair land?
Azura: You mean will he make a good king?
Saul: If your majesty thinks of him in terms of king, then yes I mean will he make a good king?
Azura: Why are you making that pumping gesture?
Saul: You know. You two are always doing the…
Azura: Enough.You make it sound more crass than it is. I am very sure he will make a very hard
king, Saul!
Saul: Your majesty was also very sure of the legal firm of Locke and Gnomes.
Azura: Oh. Those two.
Saul: Exactly. You were very sure about their bizarre class action lawsuit with a Mongo parrot
stuck impersonating Fortunato Fortissimo. Given that fiasco, how can we trust your certainty
about Flash Gordon now?
Azura: Flash has protected his love for me day after day. Why, even when the attack began,
you heard him say he was repelling it, not to show his bravery or his strength, but to prove his
devotion to me.
Saul: I was not speaking of his personal assurances, your tedious splendor.
Azura: Well, speaking of what then?
Saul: Of his ability to handle the legions at his disposal. When the attack began, did he not
confess himself to be in a quandary as to which battery he should train on them?
Azura: A careful general always surveys his position.
Saul: Oh yes. I know he’s tried every position. But, he brought all of the battery fire down on
himself!
Azura: Perhaps, he was testing the strength of our blows.
Saul: Upon himself? What if our blows were deadly?
Azura: Then..he would know of it...briefly.
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Saul: My point is...your new commander in chief relied on your advice, your majesty.
Azura: And wasn't it good advice?
Saul: Well, there is no better judgment in our fair land, than your ornamental grace. Except for
the whole Locke and Gnomes lawsuit you also decided to join against those increasingly bizarre
self-help groups.
Azura: Then what is your point, Saul? Seriously, what is it you are trying to say?
Saul: Why have a figurehead in charge of our legions?
Azura: Figurehead?
Saul: If you can't have a commander who can handle situations as they arise. Then why don't
you take charge yourself?
Azura: Oh. Oh. I see it now. You want me to demote Flash and appoint you in his place.
Saul: Well, if your superficial majesty feels that perhaps an older and more experienced man,
and especially one of our own people, could serve better, why I should be delighted to accept
the honor of your majesty.
Azura: There is some reason for this diplomatic move on your part. What is it?
Saul: Well, there are still bits of him in your hair for one...
Azura: Are the other men rebellious because I appointed Flash instead of one of their own
numbers?
Saul: I am no bearer of gossip, your excessive opulence. What others may think is their own
business. If they wish to let you know their feelings, they have ways and means to do it. I speak
only in your own interest and with the liberty of your major domo. …and yes.
Azura: I do not doubt your words, Saul, but I think you speak one word for me and two for
yourself. You honestly think Flash is incapable of making decisions for himself?
Saul: I do, my oblivious sovereign. I do. You have a chance to witness that for yourself. Our
enemy has taken refuge in a tunnel and blockaded themselves with a wall of wait for it, wait
for it, ice. Your commander has gone to “just look over” the situation.
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Azura: And you would have…?
Saul: ...charged with full forces and gone in after the enemy.
Azura: I see.
Saul: Now, my unwitting majesty, I am not trying to go behind your commander's back unfairly.
No, I have given you my plan of action. Here he comes, now. Hear what he has to say and see
for yourself, who ought to be at the head of the Blue Magic Army.
SFX: Horses ride up.
Azura: Well, my prince, what have you to report?
Flash: My beautiful queen, we found the enemy barricaded behind the wall of solid wait for
it….wait for it….
Azura and Saul: Ice, Ice! We get it.
Flash: Yes, ice! There is only one thing we can do.
Azura: And that is?
Flash: Charge with full forces and go in.
Azura: You hear, Saul? You hear what Flash proposes?
Flash: For today, we dine on a bounty of ice cream and snow cones, upon finding this chilly
treasure trove!
Saul: Yes, I hear your majesty.
Flash: Come, Azura, together we shall lead the charge!. Leave the enemy be! Attack the ice to
transform it into a delightful array of ice creams, snow cones, and frosty snacks for the troops.
Follow me!
Azura: Um. Flash?
Flash: Oh yes! I forgot Azura, thank you and then after we shall -
Azura: Mmmm. Yes?
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Flash: We shall have snow cone battles, ice cream eating contests, and a hilarious awards
ceremony for the best flavors created!
Triumphant music up
NARRATOR Brave listeners, we close another thrilling adventure of The Reasonably
Amazing Adventures of Flash Gordon, the intrepid space voyager. Stay tuned to this
station for next week's electrifying episode: 'Flash Gordon and the Cool Way to Win! Part
Two” But fear not, dear listeners, for the adventures don't end here. See amazing
characters in full color pictures next Sunday in the Comic Weekly, which is an integral part
of your Sunday newspaper.
Next Sunday, prepare for an interstellar journey like no other in the pages of the renowned
full-page comic weekly! Wave goodbye to the mundane tabloids as we bring you bigger, bolder
illustrations and captions that leap off the page. Get ready for 'The Cosmic Mishaps of Captain
Starfish! Yes!
Blackhole Bart, is hot on their trail, eager to claim the secret medical information about Captain
Starfish for his own vile purposes. Captain Starfish and his pernicious sidekick Professor
Nebulizer streak across the skies. As always, he’s got a magical long thing that he needs help
with right away! That’s right, the Professor’s scarf of wonder! Expect the unexpected, and if the
unexpected doesn't happen, expect something else!
It's full-throttle fun and exhausting high-octane hilarity and all those other funny fellows, just
twice as large. Is it a metaphor! You decide! How much better you will like them in the full-page
comic weekly and enjoy a half hour's good clean fun with the award-winning Italian
astronomer, Tony Emmydodapeepees. What new perils await our fearless heroes? Can the
forces of evil ever truly be vanquished? And don't forget to listen to another thrilling chapter in
the amazing interplanetary adventures of Flash Gordon.
