Scrooge: The Festivus Incident

A funny Christmas Carol.  If you're enjoying the show, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or any place you're listening, and subscribe now for future episodes in the Dramatized Multigenre Comedy Anthology Podcast.   Written by Tom Konkle and Kurtis Bedford.  Directed by Tom Konkle.  Starring David Beeler as Scrooge
- Tom Konkle as Marley,  Bartholomew Troutingstone , the old BBC film projector narrator, Police Constable, Mrs. Cratchit
- Kurtis Bedford as the Ghost of Christmas Past, Bah, Boy outside window, Bob Cratchit,  Santa
- Michael Neill as Fred, and The Ghost of Christmas Present
- Bob Clendenin as Ghost of Christmas to Come, Tiny Tim
- Jude Gerard Prest as Show Narrator, Humbug, London Paper Boy
and carolers Jim Blanchette and Lisa Wyett.  Sound mix by Vince Colavitti.     

Edited by Tom Konkle

In this darkly comedic and utterly irreverent retelling of A Christmas Carol, Scrooge faces not only the ghosts of his past, present, and future but also the chaos of a world gone delightfully mad. Written by Tom Konkle and Kurtis Bedford, this hilarious parody keeps the spirit of Dickens' classic while adding a twisted modern edge.

On Christmas Eve, Ebenezer Scrooge is visited by the ghost of his former partner Jacob Marley, who attempts to deliver the typical message of redemption but is instead caught in a negotiation with Scrooge over fees for haunting services. As Marley struggles to convey the seriousness of Scrooge’s impending visitations, Scrooge remains obsessed with financial matters, turning the haunting into an absurd conversation about ghostly economics.

As the night unfolds, Scrooge is visited by three ghosts, each more ridiculous than the last. The Ghost of Christmas Past attempts to conjure emotional nostalgia but is met with Scrooge’s sarcastic jabs and an obsession with Bella Lugosi. The Spirit of Christmas Present arrives in a literal present-shaped package, only to be drawn into a series of increasingly juvenile jokes. Finally, the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come arrives in a bizarre twist—a mime, communicating Scrooge’s grim future in awkward silence.

The madness escalates as Scrooge, now filled with a twisted version of holiday cheer, embarks on a rampage through London. Hilarity ensues as he steals a prized turkey from a butcher shop, flees from the law, and wreaks havoc at the Cratchit household. Bob Cratchit and his family are dragged into Scrooge’s chaotic spree, culminating in a wild showdown where Christmas spirit is expressed through gunfire and deranged laughter.

With sharp wit, absurd characters, and relentless comedic energy, The Haunting of Ebenezer Scrooge or The Festivus Incident offers a side-splittingly funny and outrageous take on a beloved holiday story. Expect rapid-fire jokes, outlandish scenarios, and a Scrooge like you've never seen before—armed, dangerous, and full of misguided Christmas cheer.

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• 9:39 [Ad] Discount Storytime
• 10:27 (Cont.) Scrooge: The Festivus Incident

Transcript

The Haunting Of Ebenezer Scrooge or The Festivus Incident

By Tom Konkle and Kurtis Bedford

INT. SCROOGE’S OFFICE - NIGHT

(SFX Victorian room ambience. Snow. Horse and carriage pass by outside)

NARRATOR

(Very Michael Palin-like)

Darkness. The STARTLED INTAKE OF BREATH at the SOUND OF CHAINS AND METAL,

suddenly a crusty British man, SCROOGE, 50’s-60’s calls out.

SCROOGE

How dare you disturb me at my work! Who is there in the darkness?

NARRATOR

A candle is lit revealing old, nervous hands, stacks of ledgers, cash boxes, and coins. The

RUMBLE OF CHAINS and a DOOR closes with a CREAK revealing the names, “Scrooge and

Marley.” CHAINS DRAGGING gets louder and a DEEP RESONANT ENGLISHMAN’S VOICE,

JACOB MARLY bellows.

MARLY

Scrooge, it is I, Jacob Marley. Come to visit thee on this Christmas Eve.

NARRATOR

Scrooge is puzzling at the mysterious figure of JACOB MARLEY, a GHOST covered in CHAINS

and MONEY BAGS.

SCROOGE

I hope you shan't expect to be paid for this.

MARLY

For what? Haunting you? No. I'm not expecting to get paid to appear as a doomed ghost, you

miserable little man. I'm dead, Scrooge! You were at my funeral!! In life, I was your business

partner, Jacob Marly! Thou shall be haunted by three ghosts this-

SCROOGE

What are you getting paid to do this haunting business, Marly?

MARLY

What?!?

SCROOGE

How lucrative can this “vocation of the damned” really be? I realize you can’t take it with you,

but can you, sort of... make more once you’re there?

MARLY

I'm haunting you out of the goodness of my own heart.

SCROOGE

Couldn't you do this during normal business hours?

MARLY

‘Course I can’t do this during normal business hours, you totty old ratbag!

Marly HOWLS and RATTLES HIS CHAINS RUMBLING THE WHOLE ROOM

SCROOGE

You're quite good. I'll give you that, if one appreciates this sort of thing, which I don't. Do you

expect some sort of back pay at this juncture?

MARLY

Give me back pay for time spent dead?

SCROOGE

Not a chance! If you expect a fee or holiday pay for appearing to me with a message on

Christmas Eve after missing work these seven years just because you are dead, then I will say

good night to you, sir.

MARLY

So, my fee is more of a concern to you than me standing here warning you as a bloody ghost,

doomed to walk the Earth in chains covered in cash boxes, ledgers, deeds, and heavy purses

wrought in steel!?!

SCROOGE

So there WAS a fee!

MARLY

No! There is no fee! It’s simple. I am taking my own time from purgatory to haunt you. (changing

gears) Look, I have come to tell you, Scrooge, that three GHOSTS shall appear to you and

show you thine own past, present and future!

SCROOGE

Those chains, are they an entirely necessary expense? I can't even see them in the dark.

MARLY

I'm about one second from making YOU a ghost, Scrooge! They are symbolism, you old

covetous tight-fisted miser! How would a ghost even want or spend money? I exist on an

ethereal plane, I'm a phantasm, an enormous sprite, an apparition.

SCROOGE

That’s all well and good-

MARLY

No, it isn’t all well and good, I’m dead!

NARRATOR

MARLEY has had enough and begins WHIRLING in a circle with the chains whipping various

cash-boxes, keys, and heavy purses at Scrooge. Marly LUNGES at Scrooge who leaps away in

terror into the dark as his candle is extinguished. (beat) Is that the end? Right,

We hear a chair pushed back from a table. The shuffle of papers and footsteps start to walk.

NARRATOR

What’s this?

The voice of the producer of the show is heard.

VOICE

The rest.

NARRATOR

Rest of what?

VOICE

The story. The Christmas Carol. Begin at the beginning. Read it.

There is a pause.

VOICE

Read it out loud.

NARRATOR

Ah. So, the Marley thing happened later in the story then?

VOICE

Yes at Scrooge's home on Christmas Eve night. It was a “grabber.” A cold opening.

NARRATOR: TITLE: The Mindstream Players Present : (with echo) The Haunting Of

Ebenezer Scrooge or (with less echo) The Festivus Incident [Everything written there is on the

card]

.

NARRATOR

A very Dickensian character, BARTHOLOMEW TROUTINGSTONE, a blustery Cockney man

with an impressive moustache, shouts from his horse drawn carriage to Scrooge’s nephew Fred

on the streets of London.

FRED

(foppish)

I want to pay a visit to my Uncle Scrooge and invite him to my annual Christmas Party.

BARTHOLOMEW

Are ‘ye talking to me, squire?

FRED

What? No, I was just... sort of saying it.

BARTHOLOMEW

‘Oy see, sir. ...To no one in particular.

FRED

Yes, to... no one... in particular. It is radio. It’s to someone I suppose.

BARTHOLOMEW

It’s to me of course, Bartholomew Troutingstone, at your service, squire.

NEWSPAPER BOY

(lower class English)

Have a look all!! Half-a-penny for a Christmas Eve paper. The Noddy Tickler Strikes The West

End!

FRED

Right well there are some fascinating, sensational crimes and mysteries in London.

Let’s have a Christmas Eve paper.

NEWSPAPER BOY

Sure thing guv’nr.

FRED

“The Noddy Tickler Strikes Again!” With a Jack the Ripper-style drawing of a figure with a large

feather in place of a dagger menacing a woman. It’s Christmas Eve, traffic is a mess, everyone

is in a rush to buy things, they wasted all this time and money on decorations when the city is

grimy and smelly, it’s a nightmare.

BARTHOLOMEW

You just sort of putting that bit of information out there for no one in particular as well?

FRED

Yes. Um. More thinking out loud.

BARTHOLOMEW

I see. I do that. Think out loud.

FRED

(irritated)

Yes. Thank you.

BARTHOLOMEW

There. I am doing it right now see, I’m thinking out loud.

(loudly)

I want to fit my head into that rusty orifice there!

FRED

What?

BARTHOLOMEW

I was thinking out loud again. To no one in particular.

FRED

Can you take me on a carriage ride to Scrooge’s counting house business now?

BARTHOLOMEW

I don’t think so.

NARRATOR

Oh course you can! That’s why you’re in this. You’ve got a bloody horse and carriage take

Fred, nephew to the miserly old man Ebenezer Scrooge’s place of business!

BARTHOLOMEW

Now?

NARRATOR

(sarcastically)

No. Do it in a few days.

BARTHOLOMEW

Alright then.

Beat.

NARRATOR

Yes, do it now. It's Christmas Eve.

BARTHOLOMEW

There’s only one creditor who’d be open for on Christmas Eve, ol’ Scrooge.

FRED

Why did you just say that?

BARTHOLOMEW

I was thinking about it. Out loud.

(Beat) And because I wanted that line all to myself.

FRED

You are quentisessitally daft.

BARTHOLOMEW

Scrooge is not my first choice for anything, but if you need it, for a hefty fee, Scrooge will do it.

FRED

Do what?

BARTHOLOMEW

Count your money. Talk to you. Various...favors.

FRED

I don't wish to know this. Just take me to his business.

BARTHOLOMEW

It’s right there.

FRED

What?

BARTHOLOMEW

Scrooge’s mean-spirited counting-house. Just behind you. That will be three pence.

FRED

Fine.

SFX a doorbell dings as Fred enters the business.

SCROOGE

Fred. What do you want?

FRED

Hello Uncle Scrooge. Will you come to my annual Christmas party?

SCROOGE

No!

FRED

Righto.

Footsteps of Fred exiting, door opens and bell rings. CAROLERS SING AGAIN. Door closes,

silencing the Carolers.

SCROOGE

Bah! Humbug!

BAH and HUMBUG shout together

BAH HUMBUG

Yes boss?! Yes?

SCROOGE

Tell Cratchit, he can’t leave tonight until he finishes all the ledgers.

BAH

Why can’t Humbug leave until Cratchit finishes the ledgers?

HUMBUG

Yea why’s that?!

SCROOGE

No. No. Crachit can’t leave.

BAH

Ever? Seems a bit harsh even for you.

HUMBUG

You see Mr. Crachit is right there so I think Bah rightly assumed that you must be referring to

me.

SCROOGE

Bah! Humbug! Just stay and finish working. I am going home now.

BOB CRATCHIT

(shivering)

I could finish if my hand wasn’t t-t-t-trebling from the cold in here, sir. It’s Christmas Eve Mr.

Scrooge. Can’t it wait?

SCROOGE

Oh I see. You’re cold.

BOB CRATCHIT

Y-y-y-y-yes Mr. Scrooge. Rather.

SCROOGE

You’re not counting my money fast enough. If you were counting and writing faster you’d be

warm. But, instead you expect me to spend money on ridiculous things like heating coals,

fresh bathroom paper, and an arrangement under which an insurance carrier or an independent

organization will, for a fee, handle the administration of your health claims, benefits and other

administrative functions as a full time employee here? Is that what you want Cratchit?!!

BOB CRATCHIT

Well...truthfully.

SCROOGE

Shut up! You will bloody well sit there and finish counting my money! Then you can go do your

silly little Christmas Eve... thingy.

BOB CRATCHIT

Scrooge. I will finish counting your money. I was just saying that perhaps...if...if you treated your

employees as assets instead of liabilities then maybe the whole system would work better..

SCROOGE

Cratchit. Don’t be an imbecile. Far be it for me to expose the unfair system of government that

essentially restricts the underclass...such as you are...to life in a workhouse or debtor’s prison.

BOB CRATCHIT

What?

SCROOGE

F-ing socialist I don’t know anything about that! Now work. Bah! Hamburg!

BAH HUMBUG

Yes? Yes?

SCROOGE

Get me my hat.

SFX A WHOOSH of fabric moving with TINKLING SOUNDS like metal glitter and a wet dripping

SPLAT. (Vince can really have fun with this)

BEAT.

SCROOGE

No. The other one.

INT SCROOGE’S HOUSE - NIGHT

SFX Scrooge is heard getting out of bed.

SCROOGE

That nonsense about ghosts that Marley was talking about earlier in the cold-open must have

simply been a dream.

SFX SNOW BLOWS. A WINDOW OPENS. TWO CAROLERS ARE SINGING OUTSIDE

SCROOGE

Knock it off! Some of us are trying to sleep. It's night time! Be silent!

CAROLERS

One. Two. Silent night. Holy night. All is calm…

SCROOGE

Shut up!

Carolers keep singing Silent Night until SFX WINDOW SLAMS CLOSED.

SFX Scrooge climbs back in bed as the wind howls and his fireplace crackles louder.

SCROOGE

A song about how quiet it is? Ridiculous. Bah! Humbug!

BAH HUMBUG

Sir? Sir?

SCROOGE

Get out of my room! Both of you! I’m going to sleep now.

Bah and Humbug leave, KNOCKING OVER a few things on the way out. ONE thing plays very

fast MARIACHI MUSIC when it hits the floor.

SCROOGE

What creepiness lurks out there in the darkness of my room?

BAH HUMBUG

Sorry. Sorry we just knocked that over sir.

We will stop it.

The SOUND OF FEET STOMPING OUT THE MARIACHI MUSIC and shuffling away down a

wood hallway.

SCROOGE

A bunch of nonsense from Marley’s ghost….there’s no such thing as ghosts….

SFX Scrooge starts SNORING. WIND AND SNOW RISE.

SFX Scrooge wakes with a SNORT.

NARRATOR

Old Scrooge wakes and looks around the room. The darkness surrounding his bed is broken up

by a large glowing apparition.

SCROOGE

Who is there?

NARRATOR

Me?

SCROOGE

No!

NARRATOR

Sorry.

SCROOGE

Who are you?

NARRATOR

The narrator.

SCROOGE

Not you. Him. A glowing strange, childlike figure emanating an aura of wisdom and a richness of

experience appears.

NARRATOR

That was my line!

SCROOGE

It’s my line now! So, it will be deducted from your pay.

NARRATOR

Scrooge peered his craggy, twisted, stupid little beady-eyed face around his bedroom. That was

a free line. I added that one.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

It is I. The Ghost of Christmas Past.

SCROOGE

Past what?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

The past. Your past. I will show you who you once were... singing a Christmas carol with your

family.

SCROOGE

God. Not more caroling again.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

Come with me Scrooge. Come back to a time of your own past poverty, parental neglect-

SCROOGE

Why are you waving your hands around in a circle at me like that?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

I’m conjuring. Taking you back to the past.

SCROOGE

I see. I thought there was something wrong with you.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

Return with me to the time when your young nephew Fred was orphanedSCROOGE

Looks like some kind of palsy.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

You really are irredeemably rude aren’t you? Behold.

SFX The laughing and sounds of people eating and being festive.

SCROOGE

Can they see us floating here watching them?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

It is the past you see Scrooge. The countryside where you grew up in. Your young childhood

friends. They cannot see you hovering here.

SCROOGE

Good. Because I didn’t put on pants.

SFX WIND and COUNTRYSIDE SOUNDS. A boy CRIES.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

The young boy. Cries alone. Passing Christmas all alone. You Ebenezer.

SCROOGE

Hells bells this is a depressing tour. Tell me there isn’t a time-share I have to buy at the end of

this presentation.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

You grew older.

SCROOGE

There’s a surprise. I grew older. Magical revelation. Cheers. Now get me home!

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

Look. I don’t have to do this you know? You grow older. At last, a little girl-

SCROOGE

My sister Fan.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

Short for Fanny.

SCROOGE

Don’t...Just...don’t.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

What? I never would. Now, your sister Fan, runs into the room and says I've come to take you

home Ebenezer. Father is much kinder, she says. He has given his consent for your return .

The young Scrooge, you look delighted to see your sister who died long ago. She was the

mother of your nephew, Fred.

NARRATOR

Ebenezer embraces Fan joyfully. Revealing-

(beat)

What?

SCROOGE

You don’t have pants either. What are you doing here?

NARRATOR

Revealing festive christmas balls.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

Fezziwig!

NARRATOR

No. I keep them natural.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

No! That’s merry and generous old Fezziwig. See how he celebrates with you while you were

his young clerk. Fezziwig’s jubilant Christmas Eve balls -

NARRATOR

Indeed.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

Where you found the love of Belle.

SCROOGE

Bella Lugosi?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

No. That young beautiful woman there! Belle. Next to Bella Lugosi in the sitting room. You

could have had children with her and a home filled with love -

SCROOGE

And Bella Lugosi…

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

And Bella Lugosi...obviously.

SCROOGE

I could have increased my family. But there- there I am working all day and night while Bella

Lugosi makes sweet love to my Belle.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

(Taps on microphone) Is this thing working? I’m not even seeing the same thing as you.

SCROOGE

I supposed this is where we got the saying “How many Bella Lugosi’s before Christmas comes?”

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

You really are mental. Hopeless.

SCROOGE

(sniffing tearing up)

You think I am? Have I made a mistake?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

(Voice growing distant and echoing)

Certainly with the whole Bella Lugosi thing...yes. Scrooge. Look what you were, what you

had…

SFX THERE IS A FLYING WHOOSH OVER COUNTRYSIDE, WATER and VICTORIAN

STREETS AND A WHIRL AND A THUD INTO A BED.

Scrooge YELPS.

SCROOGE

Is it morning?

(Mumbles to self)

What time is it?

SFX A match is struck and the lamp is lit.

SCROOGE

It’s only midnight. Felt like a lifetime.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

Scrooge!

SCROOGE

Zounds! Who are you?

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

I am the Spirit of Christmas Present.

SCROOGE

Is that why you’re a hovering wrapped package?

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

You can see the package?

SCROOGE

The whole thing. Dangling right in front of me.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

I am the Spirit of Christmas Present…

SCROOGE

The Spirit of a Christmas present? Isn’t that a gift card?

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

A What?

SCROOGE

A gift card. Isn’t that the, sort of, spirit of a Christmas present without any actual thought?

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

Shh.

SCROOGE

Bit like you.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

I’m about two minutes away from giving you a bit of argy-bargy and ghosting you!

SCROOGE

That’s not living in the present.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

Right!! That’s it!

A LOUD SMACK on Scrooge accompanied by jingling bells.

SCROOGE

Ouch! Stop it! Spirit of Christmas Present !! What do you want?!?

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PAST

I want to show you both ignorance and want.

SCROOGE

I’ve already got Bah and Humbug. I can barely tolerate their remedial idiocies.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

And to show you all the festivities and celebrations going on now all around you. And the

Christmas party that Fred invited you to yet you again ignored. And of the family of Bob Crachit

who is celebrating modestly with his own Tiny Tim.

SCROOGE

Is that ANOTHER package joke?

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

Tiny Tim. Oh I’ll show you Tiny Tim. God bless us everyone.

SCROOGE

Some more than others I see.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

Now you’re doing it! No more “package” jokes!

SCROOGE

No one can see your “air quotes.” I say I shall not tolerate any more of this Spirit Of Christmas

Present get out of my home get out of my life!

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

Scrooge.

SCROOGE

Yes.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

Scroooge!

SCROOGE

Yes!

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

Scrrrooooge!

SCROOGE

Yes! Yes! Can we not be stuck in the present quite this much!?!?

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS

Scrooge.

Heavy sigh from Scrooge.

SCROOGE

I regret the present time. I really do. Yes?

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

I want you to know something now.

SCROOGE

Alright.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

You are a miserable, bitter, money-grubbing, tight-arsed old shell of a man who has wasted his

cheeseparing bureaucratic life in the pursuit of greed, avarice and cruelty. Ignorant of the most

basic of human decency and the welfare of others.

SCROOGE

And?

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

And what?

SCROOGE

And? What are you getting at?

The Ghost GROANS loudly in frustration. A window opens.

SFX The Carolers clear their throats and begin SIGNING.

SCROOGE

(screaming)

Knock it off!

SFX The window slams shut silencing the singing.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

The welfare of others. Never mind.

SCROOGE

I do care about welfare. A lot.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

Oh? You care about the welfare of others?

SCROOGE

Yes! I voted to eliminate welfare. I am bloody well passionate about it.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

Right! Just watch this!

SFX 16mm Projector starts. FILM PROJECTION SOUNDS

BRITISH INSTRUCTIONAL FILM VO

Well a woman reaches the age of 21 something queer happens… changes in her-

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

Sorry. Wrong film.

SCROOGE

No! No! That’s fine I’m watching.

SFX Film Projector turned off.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

Ah! Righto! It’s this one. This is what’s happening on Christmas right now Scrooge!

SFX Very Old Projector starts running again.

SCROOGE

How is this even possible?

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

Shhh!

SFX/ MUSIC Cheesy 1950s music. And sounds of eating and merrymaking distantly.

BRITISH INSTRUCTIONAL FILM VO

(Voice occasionally flutters like an old film projector sound would)

Christmas or “feast day” where families and friends from all classes of life from the poor to real

people celebrate happily within their own economic strata. Turkey! That’s right! Turkey.

Heartily consumed here in England since the 16th century. Look at this delicious turkey and

lardy cakes being served at the home of Fred and his family. Watch out Tiny Tim! That turkey is

bigger than you are and with better legs! A delicious repast without the surly cynicism or bitter

avarice so many enjoy the other days of the year... and that means you, Scrooge.

SCROOGE

Well. That seems like fun. Wait...how does that infernal machine know it's me?

BRITISH INSTRUCTIONAL FILM VO

Many people give this new thing called Christmas Cards to each other. Cards like this one with

Christmas images such as sinister clowns poking policemen with red pokers, giant killer wasps

chasing children, and gambling monkeys . Oh! Here comes some figgy pudding!

SCROOGE

I can practically smell it! ….wait that was me.

BRITISH INSTRUCTIONA FILM VO

In with a season of parlor games, glass pickles, and gifts-

SCROOGE

Could be fun!

BRITISH INSTRUCTIONAL FILM VO

...goose, and happy children with stockings hung on the ends of their beds will awaken to

Christmas morning. London is a bustling city with blissful passersby who take pleasure in the

wondrous sights and smells abounding through the shop windows. People merrily shovel snow,

tote bags of presents, and greet one another with a cheery "Merry Christmas!"

SFX Film runs out. Projector switched off.

SCROOGE

Well. It is nice. The spirit of Christmas, where even Crachit and his family seems more than

content despite their skimpy Christmas feast. It’s been a while since I’ve read any fiction stories

like that… will Tiny Tim be alright?

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

Doubtful.

SCROOGE

Thought so.

(beat)

Good thing he had more than one child. He was a spunky lad. Had his good

points...eh...sweet... he’d be a drain on the wallet anyway if his problems continued.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

You are a greedy blight on the spirit of Christmas, Scrooge. Everything that's wrong with amoral

capitalism.

SCROOGE

And?

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

...bollocks.

SFX A Whoosh. Assorted CHRISTMAS SOUNDS.

INT. SCROOGE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Scrooge rustles around in his bed.

SCROOGE

Mmmm. It seems I am not appreciated by any constituent element of the Christmas schema.

Ah. Belle was beautiful. All those Christmas parties and dinners they are probably up most of

the night. UGH. It’s almost three in the morning. Bah! Humbug! I should find out what they

are doing.

FOOTSTEPS RACE IN.

BAH! HUMBUG!

Oh we are-

SCROOGE

Not that quickly!

FEET SHUFFLE OUT QUICKLY. A door opens we HEAR CAROLERS SINGING OUTSIDE.

SCROOGE

And shut that bleeding door!

SFX The door closes and Carolers are muffled still singing.

SFX Peppered in during the narrator’s following speech is an odd sound, like that of

plastic quickly sliding until it snaps into place with a CLICK.

NARRATOR

Humbled and horrified by what he had heard and seen (click) this dreadful night Scrooge knew

that he could not rest until he was visited by yet another apparition (click), the Ghost of

Christmas Yet to Come as Marly had predicted. (Click, Scrooge giggles) He could not sleep.

His only option was to wait. (click) (to Scrooge) Right there, four in a line. (laughs) That makes

six games straight!

SCROOGE

Ohhhhh, somehow you are cheating!

In anger Scrooge knocks a game to the floor and tens of plastic discs fly across the room.

SCROOGE

I can never get more than three in a row!. If the game was Connect Three I would have beat

you every time!

NARRATOR

Suddenly, the clock struck three

FX - CLOCK STRIKES THREE

SCROOGE

Now, I have done it. What eerie spectre awaits my fate? I can only imagine what is coming for

me from the darkness. A Ghost. A Ghoul! A spectre with a death-like visage?! I can’t stand it.

DO YOU HEAR ME YOU GOBLIN? MAKE YOURSELF KNOWN TO ME! LET US GET THIS

OVER WITH WITH!

FX - FROM THE CRACKLING FIRE WE HEAR A HORRIBLE SOUND OF THE TORMENT OF

A THOUSAND SOULS WHICH SLOWLY GROW IN VOLUME UNTIL IT TRANSFORMS INTO

THE LIGHT DELICATE SOUNDS OF FRENCH ACCORDION MUSIC.

SCROOGE

...what?! Is this some sort of joke? What kind of skinflint production have I ironically found

myself living in?

(the music builds)

SCROOGE

The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come is, is...is a MIME?!?

FX - FULL ON ACCORDION MUSIC

SCROOGE

What are you doing? I can’t see your face under the long black cloak. The cloak is moving

but...nothing. Sorry. What? Sorry?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS YET TO COME

(Breathing)

Raises my arms dramatically.

SCROOGE.

Creepy.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS YET TO COME

(Breathing)

Turns dramatically and beckons Scrooge, who rises from his bed and kneels before the

phantasm.

SCROOGE

No I’m not.

EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT

SFX THUNDER AND WIND. CRICKETS OF NIGHT. EERIE MUSIC IN AND UNDER.

SCROOGE

Damn.

Wind dies down.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS YET TO BE

(breathing)

Points boney finger at the lone tombstone of Ebenezer Scrooge in the final isolation of his own

friendless death-chamber and solitary grave.

SCROOGE

Steady on there um um ...? Whose open grave is that? Are you death?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS YET TO BE

(breathing)

The Ghost Of Christmas Yet To Be shakes their head no. And continues to point meaningfully

at the untended grave indicating the Christmas spirit begins at home, as it were, and it must

begin with one’s self, and radiate outwards.

SCROOGE

Good lord. This is terrible! Terrible! What have I done?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS YET TO BE

(breathing)

The phantasm is filled with the satisfaction of knowing that Scrooge is becoming aware of the

meaning of all this revealed in Christmas Past, Present and Future.

SCROOGE

No! I did it again. I didn’t put pants on again and it’s freezing in this cemetery.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS YET TO BE

The Ghost is visibly relieved that it won't be necessary to show him the dinner table of a poor

family, where a husband and wife express relief at the death of an unforgiving man to whom

they owed money; and the Cratchit household, where the family struggles to cope with the

death of Tiny Tim.

SCROOGE

What?!? What?!? Tiny Tim? And whose grave is this? Mine!?

SFX Thunder rolls. The wind whips up cold. Scrooge CRIES OUT.

INT. SCROOGE’S BEDROOM - MORNING

He YELPS and JUMPS out of bed.

SFX VICTORIAN STREETS IN THE MORNING.

SCROOGE

I’m still alive! In my own bed! The morning light! By my fireplace with morning wood! I’m so

excited on Christmas!

NARRATOR

Scrooge throws open the window shutters and sees a small boy in the street. This time

remembering to put on his pants.

SCROOGE

You there, young boy! You there!

Boy

Wut!

SCROOGE

What day is it young lad?

BOY

Why, it's Christmas day!

SCROOGE

Oh good, oh good, it is not too late! You there, boy, I need you to do me a favor.

BOY

It isn’t all strange to you that in every iteration of this story there is a young boy of approximately

my age just wandering the streets alone outside your house on Christmas morning?

SCROOGE

Well, I...well...uh, I have never really thought about that.

BOY

Did it even once occur to you that perhaps you should be asking about MY situation? Possibly

what YOU could do for ME? A young boy, such as myself, alone, such as I am, on a cold

snowy Christmas morning, a day such as this. That doesn’t cause any alarms to go off in your

head? “Why is he out there?” “Where is his family?”

SCROOGE

Well, I…..I just didn’t think about it.

BOY

Of course you didn’t, that is the problem with the entire system. Nobody ever thinks about the

young boys.

SCROOGE

I think about young boys ALL THE TIME!!!

(beat)

(beat)

BOY

Well, that just took an unexpectedly awkward turn there didn’t it? Have to say I didn’t see that

one coming.

SCROOGE

(laughs) Well, …

BOY

HUSH! That joke was way too easy.

SCROOGE

Listen here, do you know that butcher shop around the corner?

BOY

Of course I do.

SCROOGE

Do they still have that prize-winning hen up in the window?

BOY

Oh, I am sure that in light of a lack of proper refrigeration and modern food handling protocol

they wouldn’t have offered to sell it at a discount just to get rid of it and would have, instead,

opted to leave it hanging there in the hopes that someone would come along and buy it at full

price for what I could only presume would be a December 27th celebration of some kind.

SCROOGE

Uhhhh, good. Run along and buy it and bring it back to me at once so that I can take it over to

The Cratchet’s for a proper Christmas evening feast. Here, take a few pounds.

SFX

COINS HITTING THE GROUND

BOY

...and it isn’t peculiar to you in the slightest that in every single version of this here story the

local butcher just happens to be open for business at 9am on Christmas morning just because

after many a miserly year you finally want to do something philanthropic?

SCROOGE

What?

BOY

Shall I run over to the baker and pick you up a nice torte or perhaps a delicious Christmas

pudding?

SCROOGE

Uh. sure. Here’s a gold coin boy!

SFX

COIN HITTING THE GROUND

BOY

Oh, I know...and then I can run over to the pub and pick up a few growlers of their famous

spiced mead!!!!

SCROOGE

Yes, Yes...You got it! Another golden coin for you boy!

SFX

COINS HITTING THE GROUND

BOY

AND THEN why don’t I head over to the local eatery and grab a heaping plate of bread stuffing

and their largest platter of mashed potatoes!!!

SCROOGE

Oh my boy, how splendid!!! A third doubloon from my treasured coffers for your efforts!

SFX

COINS HITTING THE GROUND

BOY

NONE OF THESE PLACES ARE OPEN!!!!!

SCROOGE

Oh. Well, can I have my money back then?

BOY

Bugger off!

SCROOGE

(MUMBLING) well if that isn’t just a …..

FX - SCROOGE CLOSES HIS WINDOWS

INT SCROOGE HOUSE - MORNING

Scrooge puts on his coat, leaves his home and walks down to the butcher shop. The moment

he opens his door the SFX Carolers can be heard mid song. They walk behind him as he goes.

SCROOGE

And THAT is what is wrong with society today. If you need something done you need to just do

it yourself. It is not enough to ask one person to do a simple task, all this meaty imagery

evoking surplus and fat, functioning in stark contrast to the shriveled, cannibalistic poor denied

protein.

FX DOOR OPENS, SHUTS. CAROLERS

SCROOGE

No. In order to get results, you must take the reins and force your will upon others or you might

as well just do it yourself. This country is rapidly becoming a place where men of business,

such as myself, are going to have to be forced to fend for themselves. Well, let me tell you

buddy, Ebenezer Vivian Scrooge is not afraid to roll up his sleeves and ….let’s see, a rock. A

rock, a rock, a rock….there’s one.

(sound of exertion as Scrooge throws rock)

FX GLASS BREAKS, COWBELL STARTS CLANGING BACK AND FORTH, CAROLERS ARE

STILL GOING

SCROOGE

Crap, they have an alarm. ...no bother.

(SFX) Scrooge as he lifts the turkey from its hook, broken glass can be heard underfoot)

SCROOGE

There we are the prized turkey!

FX POLICE WHISTLES IN DISTANCE

CONSTABLE (in distance)

You there! Stop!

SCROOGE

Damn, It’s the fuzz. RUN!

As Scrooge runs huffing and puffing the CAROLERS are running behind him singing faster and

faster with the pace of their run, they are trying to keep up. The police WHISTLES can be heard

in the distance.

A Musical bridge to show a passage of time.

EXT - CRATCHIT'S HOUSE - MORNING

FX - BANGING ON DOOR, CAROLERS ARE STILL SINGING

SCROOGE

Come on, open up, open up!

FX - DOOR OPENS

BOB CRACHIT

Well, Mr. Scrooge, what a pleasant surprise….

SCROOGE

Out of my way...and CLOSE THE DOOR!

FX DOOR CLOSES

MRS. CRACHIT

Who is it dear?

SCROOGE

Here! Take this and hide it! You there, gimpy, hide me behind this sofa.

TINY TIM

My name’s Tiny Tim!

SCROOGE

...whatever...cover me in pillows!

FX KNOCK ON DOOR

SCROOGE

(muffled) If it's Po-po I’m not here!

FX DOOR OPENS, CAROLERS ARE HEARD

CONSTABLE

(out of breath)

Excuse me there, did you see a miserly old man run in here with a stolen fowl?

SCROOGE

(muffled) Say no!

BOB CRACHIT

Ummmm, no. Sorry, no….such old...man. Nope. Honey, do any of our fowl in there look

stolen?

MRS CRACHIT

(from other room)

Nope! None of the fowl in here look stolen.

CONSTABLE

Very well then, sorry for the disruption. Merry Christmas to you.

BOB CRACHIT

...and a very merry Christmas to you sirs.

SCROOGE

(muffled) Say “good day!”

CONSTABLE

(puzzled)

Uh, good day.

FX DOOR CLOSING, CAROLERS STOP

INT. BOB CRACHIT’S HOME - DAY

SCROOGE

This place is depressing. Let’s all go to my nephew Fred’s Christmas Day party. Merry

Christmas!

BOB CRACHIT

Well. Those moves of yours are remarkable Scrooge. Do you give primitive dance lessons?

SCROOGE

Why I should! Free! To everyone in London! Let’s go to my nephew’s party before they eat all

the turkey. Tiny Tim, shake a leg let’s go!

SFX - The Door Opens And the Carolers START Singing. Door slams shut

SCROOGE

Crachit?

SFX Footsteps. Drawer opens.

BOB CRACHIT

Yes Mr. Scrooge.

SFX Footsteps. Six gun CYLINDER IS SPUN and six gun IS LOUDLY COCKED.

SCROOGE

You were eighteen minutes late to work the other day.

BOB CRACHIT

I know Mr. Scrooge and I do apologize. It’s just that my family doctor needed-

SCROOGE

Apologize. You want to apologize?

SFX Door opens. The Carolers take a deep breath and start singing . Scrooge fires TWO

SHOTS. The Carolers go silent, TWO BODIES DROP. DOOR closes.

BOB CRACHIT

Yes. Yes! I’m terribly sorry! Please!

SCROOGE

Crachit, I want to give you a raise then I want to make some changes!

BOB CRACHIT

Why Scrooge? Why!?!

SCROOGE

You want to know why?

BOB CRACHIT

Please stop waving that gun around! Yes. Mr Scrooge, why would you help me and my family?

SCROOGE

I’ll do it. Oh I’ll do it! Because I am full of the Christmas Spirit.

BOB CRACHIT

You’re drunk?!?

SCROOGE

Yes! But that's not why! I want to give you a raise! I want to make some changes that will leave

all of London puzzling about me!

BOB CRACHIT

You will?

SCROOGE

Don’t you think I will promise to stay true to my word?!?

BOB CRACHIT

If you say so Mr. Scrooge! Anything you say just don’t-

SFX Single GUNSHOT.

SCROOGE

Bob? Bob!?! I was just dancing and firing my gun to make a point.

BOB

No. No.

(struggles)

It’s okay. I’m fine/. Just grazed me,

SCROOGE

Oh good because -

SFX GUNSHOT. BODY FALLS. DISHES ETC...

SCROOGE

I was merely laughing at your suspicions and doubts about me. Didn’t you think I was serious?

Bob? Oh Bah! Humbug!

BAH! HUMBUG!

Yes Scrooge? Aye boss?

SFX There are two methodical GUNSHOTS and two BODIES DROP.

SCROOGE

I’ll never say Bah! Humbug! again! Merry Christmas!!!

MUSIC RISES WITH JINGLING BELLS as SCROOGE LAUGHS WITH JOY.

NEWSBOY

Extra! Extra Read about it! Scrooge goes on rampage through LondonSFX

GUNSHOT

NARRATOR

The newsboy’s body falls to the cold pavement. As various- AAAAAAAHH!

SFX SEVERAL GUNSHOTS.

SCROOGE

God bless us! Everyone!

END MUSIC CREDITS

AFTER CREDITS

SFX Jingling Sleigh BELLS SWOOP IN

SANTA

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good nig…

SFX Scrooge fires off another couple of rounds.

SANTA

Awww hell no. YOU’VE BEEN VERY NAUGHTY! EAT COAL!

SFX An M-50 Electric Cannon LONG LONG BURST of firepower mixed with jingle bells and

reindeer sounds

FADE TO

SFX long jingle bells and out.